Below are a list of my favourite found tweets. This list will always be updated when I find something new, so comeback sometime, even if for another laugh!
#AsAChildIUsedToThink I could be anyone I wanted to be when I grew up.
— Grant Mitchell (@grantmitchell09) January 22, 2016
As it turns out, this is called identity theft...
This is one of my favorite things ever 😂 https://t.co/Mm3ptlBOan
— Best Vines (@TheFunnyVines) November 16, 2015
1998:
— Carol Nichols (@Carols10cents) July 2, 2016
- Don't get in strangers' cars
- Don't meet ppl from internet
2016:
- Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The best thing i will find on the internet today #PokemonGO pic.twitter.com/NyDdj4Vsgf
— Joshua Ovenshire (@TheJovenshire) July 16, 2016
I've been alive 31 years and still can't work out how to take a hot cup of tea off someone who's holding the handle.
— Philly Byrne (@PhilipNByrne) September 10, 2014 I did it, I found the best vine https://t.co/WcIp3sO9da
— alex m (@alexmce) August 13, 2015 Mate, you're a bagging area, how unexpected can my item be?
— Lia (@annabel_lea) March 24, 2015 The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) December 28, 2014 People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) October 21, 2014 Last night my mate asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid.
— Dean Burnett (@garwboy) August 3, 2014 *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) May 19, 2014 "Why not model for stock images?" they said. "What could possibly go wrong?" they said. pic.twitter.com/oF8icpgsqp
— hrtbps (@hrtbps) November 1, 2013 So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg? "No I mean do you have any questions about the job?"
— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) February 25, 2014 My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
— Dan (@ehdannyboy) December 19, 2012 Special offer in Clintons for those people with four Mums. pic.twitter.com/Vi5KspDajB
— Alex Hylton (@AlexParisHylton) March 2, 2016
tfw you realise the robots will steal your job pic.twitter.com/uR0W648pFE
— Denham Sadler (@denhamsadler) April 3, 2016
"Help! I can't get my jogging trousers off!"
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) July 16, 2016
"We'll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy"
Just picked the 3yo up from nursery. With this. He's just not fucking tried. That's what hurts. pic.twitter.com/LwPmqKagtR
— Steve Crane/Hansell (@sometallactor) June 14, 2013 [Putting petrol in car] １９.９５ １９.９６ １９.９７ [stops] [gently now] １９.９８ [very gently] １９.９９ [ok, once more] [deep breath] ３７.８３ GODDAMMIT
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) July 14, 2015 "Can I pet your dog?" Sure, his bark's worse than his bite [dog bites three fingers off] "WHAT THE" [dog barks so hard the sun explodes]
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 13, 2015 When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me No
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) December 21, 2014 The inventor of the anagram has died. May he erect a penis.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 9, 2014 technically you're not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i'll get some water
— bread (@zoebread) June 9, 2014 "If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
— Sacha Fernando (@sacha_is_good) March 21, 2014 How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong
— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) May 23, 2013 1. Hide babies all over house. 2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 6, 2012 So many pigs seem to die while eating an apple.
— John F. Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) October 14, 2013